Days 3&4

Settling into a little more of a routine. Still have one thing each day that is some excitement on the program - big or small. Today MaryJane went for a mani and pedicure at the local place. She loved it! The women were great with grandma as well. Grandma says over and over (have i mentioned she repeats herself?) that she is so very happy to be with family and see the boys and not be in an institution. She thanks me and says I am going above and beyond and she's such a burden etc etc. My reply is that we are happy to have her and we are giving back for all we have received ( well mostly me) over the past 40 some years. She loved Halloween and lasted much longer than I thought watching the trick or treaters come to the house with Carlo handing out candy. I cannot believe I have to have my grandma use 2 remotes for the tv nothing like a little extra complication!

a month with Grandma day 2

I do not intent to learn "lessons in living with grandma" from day 1 more than once! Today, was a low key day which was already plenty of stimulus. She loves loves the cats! One of oft repeated comments: "I always wanted cats, but Jim (my grandpa) couldn't stand them so we never had one."

Very luckily there is a very strong trust in me, so I can explain things and even if she does not remember, she will know that I am speaking the truth - and acting within her best interest.  Something that gets repeated and repeated is how much she is so lucky to be spending time with family and with the kids. This is the part that keeps me level and patient with all the complications and aggravations of her lack of memory and confusion.

Today I found out that she had many jobs when she was young from a junior highschool teacher to a store clerk. She made $15/week working 7 days a week, 8 hours a day at a department store during the depression.

I guess with about anything my grandma says, you dear reader can assume it has been "repeated and repeated."

a month with Grandma day 1

Mary Jane is the same grandma I've known and spent so much time with my whole life: sweet but then fiercely well - mean kind of. Her memory and overall confusion at times mean that her mean thoughts come out more...sometimes.  She said at dinner: the carrots are disgusting, the food is terrible at this place, I need to move!  Thinking she was at the Regency where she lives :).  She got really really confused at one point.  I could see it in her face and she went angry asking what this asinine lady was doing..it was Julian sitting in a chair doing something like playing with a truck...anyway...Julian said later we should dilute her vodka. Hahaha. Exactly our plan!Also though, she constantly says how great it is to be with a real family in a house...and how great it is to be around the kids etc etc. She got panicked tonight after I went upstairs to put Gus to bed. She did not know where anyone was. She repeats herself on certain things over and over ad infinitum, though I don't really mind that except when she is obsessing about something like Augustin's haircut or my pyjamas that she doesn't like....the same no holes barred opinions as she had her whole life (and what pushed people away from her ) but repeated quite a few times....so it goes Our tv sound did not work tonight. Trying to explain why calling a tv repair man was not the answer did got get through. Hard for her to understand.I think I will use a whiteboard to leave big reminder messages for her in plain sight.Carlo and the boys have a great attitude. We shall see how we all feel come Thanksgiving timeThat's day #1!!!!

Denouement

My mom died a few days ago after a year knowing she had cancer and sort of fighting it, but at the same time fighting every person trying to help. Afraid but showing only anger, ugly ugly anger, she lived this past year teeth bared, snarling at everyone around her - most especially those closest to her - Alison, Stephanie and me.

It all started, as they say, with a fall she had and the 24 hours of agony she endured crawling to the phone to call for help. She had the hip fracture taken care of but in the hospital a mass on her neck was noticed and after unbelievable days of wrangling and coercing her to DO something about it, the doctors were able to take a biopsy and found cancer of the squamous cells ( the lining of the throat). I won't go into the year-long treatment, the uncertainty and the relentless march of the cancer - I think that story has been told and her cancer treatment was not unlike others.

I stopped taking my mom's calls last fall after she phone stalked me for weeks with ugly ugly messages dripping anger. Stories of the way she acted over the past year sound just like a two-year old, but with the manipulation, opinions, and command of nasty, foul language of an adult. Brutal.

Her cancer was treatable and "would not be the thing that kills her" the docor said last spring. But she resisted and delayed treatments and refused to stop drinking or smoking that caused her throat cancer. She was clear- in the extreme- that she would absolutely continue to do these things. Just as she was clear she would continue to drink and smoke during the years and years when people around her tried to point out the issue, tried with every tool society has to compel her to stop, get her to see.

People have very rightly wondered why, my mother having just died, I am not in deep grief. Well...the thing is, of course I have times of tears but they are brief - mostly I reflect on not wanting to die myself right now :) so as to enjoy my family and friends - my plan is live to an old wrinkly, need a walking-stick age! But back to the thing is...over the years, like 20 or so, I have already been through so many cycles of grief. There were so many times when her illness (depression, alcoholism, or combination or maybe something else) shone in bright light - when she seemed just CRAZY - her priorities so whacked out. Many of my middle of the night awakenings were spent thinking, worrying-and grieving really- for my mom. At some point, I had to tap out, move forward and so gradually that did happen and there was a weird, calm acceptance of her craziness. A way to deal, to provide some things for her without huge, emotional toll all the time.

The grief now brings the same feelings, thoughts and images but those brain paths are so well travelled that there is not such enormous overwhelming pain there - it is muted. Tears prick rather than pour down. I have had the same cycle of feeling so many times, I even recognize the images my mind brings forth, the feelings each evokes. I have in my mind a picture of her as a little girl face in her hands and the thought always of the potential of children and the hope and optimism- and how it all turned to hell. Those are heart crushing. The could-have-beens are other thoughts that bring on painful feelings of regret, frustration - just so much frustration. Like could have enjoyed her grandchildren kind of thoughts, would have enjoyed visiting Italy with us...those kid of - she missed it - thoughts. The thoughts you might have of someone who died prematurely - WEIRD huh? I have certain pictures in my mind too of her in her work clothes in the kitchen, or all of us Christmas mornings- just our regular life as kids with my mom that are those that kind of balance out the whole picture a little bit.

Nobody around her can figure out what happened, why she became the person she did - was it depression, innate personality, stifled upbringing in the 50's.. I cannot myself figure out though I have spent countless hours trying to tease an answer out. It really is just too complicated, too gray, unsubtle. She stopped being "vital" years ago - that is she stopped living, she lost vitality, she did not grab hold of anything, anyone. I guess maybe that was my grief over all those years, so that her actual passing was simply her denouement.

on politics- puts me in a terrible state of mind

Newt personifies the opposite of Christian values ( as I understand them - compassion , love they neighbor etc etc) and deserves his own ring in The Inferno

Perry is a nutcase and it scares me to think his message resonates with anyone

Santorum is a sanctimonious, self-righteous < insert cussword here>, who I would be ashamed to have speak for our country

I have friends who vote democrat because the republicans go veering off on crazy, right-wing agenda items. If the republicans would stick to the important main issues, many more of these conservative democratic voters would swing their way - and they would keep many more of the midwest fiscally conservative folks who swung to Obama in the last election. They have no need to cater to the far-right. Those folks would never vote democrat anyway.

Portland social/political scene is too much for me. I want the basics fixed: broader economic base, better environment for business, better support for education, infrastructire maintenance. Paying for larger bikelane decals just irks me. First things first.

Why don't we have a value added tax - that is a state tax on things other than groceries/food, medicine and clothing?

I do wish there were leaders willing to do the right thing for the most people. I am not a dummy and this stuff just doesn't seem so complicated unless the status-quo, big money is part of the equation.

Are people really so very lazy that if they have the chance to get something like unemployment, they will not look for a job?

Frustrating...

what is January for anyway?

I live in the moment. Enjoy it, smell it, see it, laugh it, hate it.

January gives me trouble. I try to live in the moment but find that she

slams me into "hurry up and be over" mode. Is it the dark mornings and early nightfall?

Is it the pressure of new start/look back? Awaiting spring, awaiting spring break.

Even if I am not in look-ahead mode, I am doing my least favorite things - those that I can only get to when the sun is not beckoning - patching, paperwork, organizing.

I should realize I need it, take advantage and be grateful for this closed-in month.

But this is hard to maintain for 31 days.

February is even worse - it has 4 weeks too!!

hope, accept, coping

i have concepts, thoughts and ideas that I cannot put into great words. i write inelegantly about them

i dont have a gut for beautiful design/balance vs imbalance etc etc, so I need to experiment much more to get it right. It will probably still not be elegant but I will be content

i just dont enjoy crafts. I do all of the many many things I do enjoy and leave crafting to crafty people

i am still trying to cope with not having any more children

i would have liked to be famous with all the ecoutrements for about 2 days or a week

i want to live until 300 in my current state of 46 year old body and still somewhat pliable mind. I like this age with the balance of a semi-usable body with a richly-expereinced mind

i dont have a bucket list per se. i just want more of the joy from snow, lakes, loons, kids, food, music, books, fixing things

i try to think of how i will think of my 46 year old self being worried about 5 extra pounds when i am 70

perspective is cancer, starvation, death of a child, birth of a litter of puppies or kittens, loss of one's sight